What happens when a man loses himself trying to please everyone else? When compromise becomes self-betrayal, and resentment builds until divorce seems inevitable? Wayne M. Levine’s Hold On to Your N.U.T.s: The Relationship Manual for Men offers a radical answer: stop negotiating who you are.
This isn’t another relationship book telling men to communicate better or be more sensitive. It’s a gutsy guide that challenges men to reclaim their identity, establish clear boundaries, and become the husbands and fathers they’ve always wanted to be—not by changing for others, but by refusing to compromise their core values.
What Are N.U.T.s and Why Do They Matter?
N.U.T.s stands for Non-negotiable, Unalterable Terms—the boundaries that define you as a man. These are the commitments that matter more than anything else: your integrity, your purpose, your spiritual practice, your time with the men in your life, your role as a father. When you repeatedly compromise these terms to keep the peace or avoid confrontation, you don’t just lose arguments—you lose yourself.
Levine, who holds a Master’s degree in clinical psychology and directs the West Coast Men’s Center, discovered this truth through his own painful journey. Growing up without his father, who died of pancreatic cancer when Levine was young, he struggled with depression and anxiety for years. It wasn’t until he found a men’s group in his thirties that everything changed. Hearing men speak with radical honesty about their struggles gave him permission to do the same. That night became his initiation into manhood—and the foundation for this book.
The book is built on a simple but powerful premise: men don’t become happy by pleasing their wives; they become better husbands by becoming better men. This means knowing what you stand for and never selling it out—even when she’s upset, even when it’s uncomfortable, even when it means sleeping on the couch.
The 8 Essential Tools Every Man Needs
Beyond identifying your N.U.T.s, Levine provides eight practical tools that men can use immediately to transform their relationships:
Silence the Little Boy. The moody, defensive, approval-seeking part of you that reacts instead of responds. The little boy expects his wife to read his mind, gets his feelings hurt easily, and holds grudges. The man takes responsibility, owns his mistakes, and stops being afraid of his wife’s reactions.
Express But Don’t Defend Your Feelings. Tell her how you feel, but don’t justify it or argue about it. When you keep explaining and defending, you dilute your message and invite debate. How you feel is how you feel—period.
Cooperate Without Compromising Your N.U.T.s. Being a man with boundaries doesn’t mean always getting your way. Once your core values are secure, you’ll find yourself cooperating more freely than ever before.
Run the Sex and Romance Departments. If your sex life has disappeared, it’s probably because you stopped doing your job. Romance must continue forever, and that’s on you. She needs intimacy to want sex; you need sex to feel intimacy. The solution? Be the man who initiates, plans getaways, and acts like the stud she wants to have an affair with—so she doesn’t have to fantasize about someone else.
Be the Rock. When she’s upset, overwhelmed, or venting about her day, don’t take it personally. Don’t try to fix her problems or get defensive. Just listen and be present. She needs you to be solid, stable, and unshaken by her emotions.
Don’t Argue. Most arguments are pointless power struggles. When you’re arguing about feelings, nobody wins. State your position once and walk away if necessary.
Listen. Really listen—without interrupting, without formulating your response, without making it about you. Women need to be heard, and men who master this tool transform their relationships overnight.
Develop Trusting Relationships with Men. This is the secret ingredient. Your wife cannot give you everything you need, and expecting her to will suffocate her and destroy your relationship. You need other men—”initiated men” who will challenge you, hold you accountable, and tell you the truth without sugar-coating it. This fathering can only come from other men.
Why Men—and Women—Need This Book
Levine writes with the authority of someone who’s been in the trenches. His own marriage survived because he learned these principles, and he’s watched countless men transform their relationships using these tools. The book is filled with real stories from men who were on the brink of divorce but turned everything around by holding on to their N.U.T.s.
What makes this book different is its refusal to blame women or position men as victims. Levine is clear: your unhappiness is your responsibility. If you’re miserable, it’s because you’ve been compromising yourself for too long. The solution isn’t to change her—it’s to stop abandoning yourself.
This book is for men who are tired of walking on eggshells, tired of feeling controlled, tired of resentment eating away at their marriages. It’s for men who want to be powerful without being domineering, confident without being arrogant, and loving without losing themselves. And it’s for men brave enough to do the uncomfortable work of becoming who they were always meant to be.
If this story speaks to you, grab your copy of Hold On to Your N.U.T.s: The Relationship Manual for Men by Wayne M. Levine today on Amazon!
